Gender Equality: What Women Are Really Asking Of Men

67ad5b68854cc05435c9fc72b42a1626-originaIt’s Not What Many Men Think
Image courtesy of William Stitt.

By J.G. Boccella. Most men are not women’s rights activists. Most men are not academics who study gender equity full-time. Neither are most men hateful sexists. There are millions of men who fall somewhere in the middle of this spectrum. And somewhere in the middle of this middle is a group I call the “hidden demographic.”
The hidden demographic comprises men who are not oblivious. They are not in denial about the reality of sexism and gender disparities. They are actually smart, thoughtful men from all walks of life. Unfortunately, these men are largely unengaged in the conversation about gender equity and men supporting women’s leadership. This represents a huge missed opportunity. 
To effect change and engage men, we need the right message, delivered to the right audience—the hidden demographic.

What Women Are Really Asking of Men  
Underneath the unspoken power struggle between men and women is men’s “fear of the takeover”—the zero-sum game. But in reality, women just want the same access and opportunity that men have always had. (Straight, able-bodied, white men, that is.)
Women are not asking men to give up their manhood in order to support women leaders. Rather, they are asking for men to bring their whole selves to work so that they can show up, contribute, listen, and collaborate.
Women don't want men to feel bad about being men. That's not the point. It's not just about teaching men not to be sexist and oblivious. Yes, all men have more to learn on this topic. And, yes, women want men to be respectful. But they are not asking men to be passive and silent. 
Women leaders want men to be strong, but in a different way. They want men to be capable, responsible, accountable, flexible, creative, tenacious, persistent, inspiring, and collaborative. They don't want men to shut down, shut up, and be passive. They want us to be active.
Of course, women, first and foremost, want to feel respected and heard. They want to be paid the same wages for the same work. This should all go without saying. Beyond these baseline criteria, women want men to show up honestly, sincerely, and authentically—warts and all. Men can do this and still be strong.
Just because a woman demands respect does not mean she objects to being challenged intellectually. Just because she wants a voice and a seat at the table doesn’t mean she wants to silence men. And just because a woman wants to lead doesn’t mean she wants men to step aside. All of this is to say that what women really want from men is not for them to give up their power—women want men to use their strength
The Invitation: What's Possible?  
When talking about these ideas, I always go back to the analogy of Habitat for Humanity. It's the idea of building something awesome together with like-minded people.
This is the essence of the invitation to men in the hidden demographic: bring your strength so we can build something together. 
So what would it look like if literally millions of men took up the invitation to bring their strength to women?
When men feel strong and secure, and when they really know that women aren’t trying to take away their power, then they can let go of the power struggle. Imagine the energy that could be freed up! Men can bring that power to support women leaders, co-leading and co-creating with them. 
Women, imagine what it would be like if you went in to work tomorrow and there were not just one or two, but many men who were eager to follow your lead, secure in their sense of self-worth and not threatened by your power. How would that change your experience?
Men, I can guarantee you this: If you take up this invitation to bring your strength, work with amazing women leaders, learn from them, and share your knowledge and power with them, then you will be welcomed, appreciated, and enriched—and ultimately, you will be participating a quantum leap forward that will have impact for generations to come. 
It would be a sea change.
And, the thing is, it’s actually possible.
3af2476f28fa35184c5f22b8420d4e0f-originaCo-Founder of FierceWomen, and author of Bring Your Strength, J.G. Boccella is an artist, musician, keynote speaker, corporate trainer, and social change catalyst with over 15 years of experience at the nexus of arts, education, and advocacy. J.G. holds a bachelor's degree from Brown University and a master's degree in education from Harvard. He is a recipient of the YWCA Pittsburgh Racial Justice in the Arts Award and has appeared at an diverse array of organizations including The Consortium for Public Education, The CORO Center for Leadership, The Mayor’s Council on Youth, Presidential Classroom, universities, corporations, high schools, churches, as well as on radio and television. He can be reached at
Posted by MARC Catalyst on Nov 8, 2017 11:58 AM America/New_York

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Is what men and women want from a professional perspective really that different? I think we have more similarities than differences and as is often said - focus on what we have in common rather that what may be different is likely to lead to better outcomes for all.
  • Posted Thu 09 Nov 2017 10:51 AM EST
Uday Bose‍, seeing similarity is definitely important, especially when we've been taught that "men are from Mars and women are from Venus," so to speak.

The danger, however, is focusing on sameness to the exclusion of difference. To quote Bill Proudman‍, "In the US, many have been indoctrinated with the concepts of colorblindness and meritocracy. We are taught instead to focus on sameness. While the intent can be positive—to see each person on his or her own merit—those who are different must then attempt to fit into another’s world. Many men are oblivious to this because they have been taught to look only for sameness. 'I don’t see skin color or gender, I treat everyone the same' is one of the ways this can show itself, or 'I can do anything if I work hard and so can you.'"

You can read more here:
  • Posted Thu 09 Nov 2017 01:23 PM EST
Alignment around a common strategy to achieve success requires an inclusive environment, equality among all team members with representation of women and under-represented constituencies.  
  • Posted Sat 25 Nov 2017 11:51 AM EST
"Women leaders want men to be strong, but in a different way. They want men to be capable, responsible, accountable, flexible, creative, tenacious, persistent, inspiring, and collaborative. They don't want men to shut down, shut up, and be passive. They want us to be active."

This is the reason most men (and many women) are not women's right activists. Just imagine, if a male leader says that he wants others to be strong....and speak up to support his leadership will you elect him ? No..
Likewise, if women want to be leaders, they should not expect men to be strong, but instead speak up for weaker and under-privileged men and women.

As an example, all four countries in South Asia had at least one women prime minister or president, where gender equality is still a distant dream. These women leaders were elected because they spoke for the weak and under-privileged, instead of expecting men to gather courage and speak up for them. Two of these woman leaders were assassinated as a consequence of their action against terror.

I will elect a woman leader only if I feel secure under her leadership, not because she expects me to be courageous enough to support her leadership.

West is far ahead in terms of women's right and independence. Women are more educated thn men. Still, if women want men to gather courage and strength to support their leadership, they would rather elect male leaders (who don't demand men to gather courage and support their leadership).

Sorry, but what you ask of men is exactly  why moderate men are not actively supporting women's leadership. 
  • Posted Fri 09 Mar 2018 12:34 AM EST
Hey all,
I have spent over 20 years in Information Technology and CyberSecurity and have been through the gamut of mistreatment by male colleagues. There are two things that happen on a consistent basis. The first think is that guys think that I am there ONLY to take over their jobs. I am not there to take over, what I ask is consideration to allow me to rise to a position that befits my experience, ambition, and education. I have never been treated as an equal.

The second thing that I run into is a disparaging attitude toward my capabilities. (This disparaging has been studied at the PhD level. Males in biology classes automatically assume that females are less capable. I have to find the study.) Hand-in-hand with disparaging my technical capabilities is a tendency to cut down the certifications and education that I have worked and sacrificed to attain.

Uday Bose, our aspirations are the same, BUT, males view of women is what has to change. Your concept of focusing on similarities hasn't worked. Start by getting informed. A great start is a study backed by IBM, (ISC)2, and several other well-known companies on Women in Cybersecurity from 2017.
Read it all the way through, pay attention and learn. The fact that you are here means that you are curious and interested. Feed that curiosity.

Here is the study: Frost and Sullivan. (2017). The 2017 global information security workforce study: Women in cybersecurity. Retrieved from

Dr. S. J. Buitron, DCS
Doctorate of Computer Science in Information Security, Management Minor
Master of Science in Information Security, Valedictorian
MSIA, CISSP, MCSE, ITIL v3 Foundation
Network+, IBM Power Systems for AIX and Linux
  • Posted Wed 10 Oct 2018 12:03 PM EDT


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